@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
