you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
