i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
