We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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