I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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