I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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