yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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