She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
