Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
