Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
