Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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