i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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