The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Also, beer. Big fan.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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