You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
