So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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