I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
