she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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