I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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