Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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