It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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