that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
