if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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