I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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