i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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