Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
