Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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