i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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