i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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