you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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