I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
