All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
