It's like a parade of train wrecks.
only if we run a train.
done.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
