I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
