Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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