you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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