theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
