i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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