i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
