I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
