fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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