Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize