Please, let me fuck your mom
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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