So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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