Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
