I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
