so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
meet me or not, i'm out of control
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
