I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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