you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
