someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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