having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
