I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
