he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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