My Higher Power is John Stamos
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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