I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
