So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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