just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
