I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
