So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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