My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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